StillMorphing, IntoWhat, IHaveNoIdea.

Monday, October 30, 2006

feeling so lost.
it's like when you have no one to depend on,
and things are not going your way.

and when the one you depended on,
is feeling just as lost.
for what reason,
i don't know.

when will my internship ever come?
- sigh.

wishes on a star just don't come true.
that's so damn true.

are you part of the reason why i'm feeling lost?

don't tell me something to waver,
i'm gonna stand strong on both my feet.

goodbye to my dependency on you.
for the last time,
i sincerely wanna say take care.

Charmaine.@4:05 AM
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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

vacancy for The Miracle.

because,
before i even realised,
i'm already over you.

finally today,
it only came to light that
i'm stronger than i think.

Charmaine.@8:12 PM
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Saturday, October 21, 2006

While you stare at that blank space, thinking about what you should do to your messed up life, you just hope that someone would be there for you. for you to whine, bite, trash, scream, and to depend on. yet people today are never satisfied with what is there for them, always hoping for someone else, the fairytale that you were dreaming for. but well, reality has obviously shown you that, it was afterall, never a fairytale to begin with.

ponder upon the miracle that you were hoping for, if it was really going to happen someday. wonder if he knows that he is that miracle you have been dreaming of. then think again, is he really that miracle you have been searching for.

reality whispers that it begs to differ.

it only tells me that a miracle is only a miracle. For the very fact that miracles don't happen in life. what might seem to be a miracle to everyone else, was simply a possibility for something to turn for the better, that we didn't notice. yet after looking at this from all perspectives, my verdict would only be that even the slightest possibility for this to turn for the better doesn't exist at all.

if your miracle is the age of one of your best butt's brother,
if your miracle is so much less of your ideal miracle,
if your miracle is not the miracle that you thought he was,

will he still be that miracle?

this is damn random. sorry guys.

Charmaine.@4:16 PM
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Thursday, October 19, 2006

day 1 - allergic to nuts
day 2 - working in the club
day 3 - VIPs from Singapore
day 4 - request for white wine on the day that i first learn about wine

HOW UNLUCKY CAN I GET.

to the max mann.

Charmaine.@9:44 PM
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Sunday, October 15, 2006

继续以平常心对待，
时间就一定能冲淡一切。

可是心中，还是有那么一丝毫的不舍得。。。

如果让你，我，他，都不开心，
我，应该怎么做呢？

***

是你，使我，懵懵懂懂。

Charmaine.@5:50 PM
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Thursday, October 12, 2006

There are times when you begin to reminisce the past in Singapore. It isn't the Waygu beef at Gordon's, neither is it the drooling over the entire array of branded goods in Taka and Paragon. It's the any-other-day in my life in Singapore. Sitting in front of my lappie in bed, chatting with the peeps of that same small lil island, slacking with my cuppa cafe latte from Starbucks or Coffee Bean and having my myojo cup noodles for lunch/dinner. Impossible to acheive that here though... Nevertheless, something relatively similar today. =)

Back on that island, it was tee and shorts with the aircon on and rotting on the mattress with the lappie and the tv infront of me. My 16 pillows all around me, though my butt hurts at times after lying on that thin mattress for awhile... It's still cozy and comfy in that small lil pig sty of mine.

Today, here I am, in this neutral country. Lying on my bed, with my suit (I still have lessons later on...) and stockings on. And I was chatting with the peeps of that small lil island, and I had the best cuisine of my life... hahas* yes, it surpasses the unforgettable plate of truffles spaghetti. my cup of instant noodles. Flavour? LAKSA. =) hahahas* If you are thinking about some other laksa in my previous post, uh uh, nopes. I was practically slurping the soup and noodles, and would have gobbled down that entire styrofoam cup as well if it was edible. hahahas* i always thought that patriotic national day themed songs were more cliched than anything else. Yet, I was blasting the song through my laptop awhile ago.

Everyone grows as time goes by. The only misconception that most of us have is when we tend to assume that we all grow to be more independent, more mature, more adult like. I'm tired of being independent, mature (i'm not really there yet anyways...) and adult like. Having to wear suits and stockings all day is the last thing i want to face in Singapore. We were once, so excited each time investitures and debate competitions came, clammering around the council room getting our blazers out of the wadrobe (other than the stench of course...). If i had a choice, i would have thrown the blazer into the garbage.

I seem to have grown to be more reliant and childish (disregard the fact that i still am obsessed over cartoon characters at this age). How i wish i could hug my dad and mum now. pretty disgusted how pup calls me sweetie pie everytime he sees me. I want them to bring me out shopping like how they did when i was young. I'd sacrifice all my MOS and pubbing nights with them. I'd go round the hawker centres eating with them. I'd do everything that I usually don't in Singapore.

I love them loads.
I want to be back in Singapore. =)

Charmaine.@6:41 PM
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yawns-.
it's freaking 8.39am here and i'm rotting in class, listening to another terminology lecture. so sian-. we've been having the stupid CBL introduction for the past three days and going. bleahh.

had a damn knife handling session yesterday. managed to do the julienne cut and the errr, Brunoise?! ya if i'm not wrong. hahahas* for raddish and err, ONIONS. disgusting to the max. the smell still hovers around my nose, yes, till now. ugh.

anyhows, yours sincerely is entering the kitchen service soon. god bless me mann.

Charmaine.@2:46 PM
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

received another demoralising result.
IT 8.6/10. shiat. it seems like the entire world is dwindling down.
i cannot let it continue this way.
i thought it was supposed to be at least a 9. Always thought that i would have done better for this test, for the fact that it was indeed easier than the first one!!!

and that fucking R, so irritating.
began calculating her results yesterday and asked me to calculate mine as well.
stupid biatch, if i would have scored a 10 with my mum's help,
and scored a 9 because i copied,
i won't even have the cheek to calculate my marks before someone who did better than you okie.

fuck mann...
you guys should have seen how 'zhuai' she was yesterday when she got a 93 for her IT.
then i was like saying 'what went wrong with mine mannn. fuck.'
like it was a fucking comment to myself can... imagine the reply...
'OWWWWWW. SO SAD. I HAVE NO IDEA EITHER.'
fuck off man..
and this biatch told me, 'don't take your results so hard...'
i got so pissed and went
'this is the exact feeling that you had when you realised that i have the additional 0.1 (now it's 0.2) that you don't have right?!'
hahahahas* STUNNED.
'i... i... i wasn't angry for the entire day, unlike you.'
'i'm pissed because i've never fuckingly gotten such low grades for my tests here. [read: it means she had. har*]'

silence.

see, i told you, shuddup.

still dare to say that i'm complaining about my results.
i think if you would have gotten what i have,
you would have stomped a big hole in my room la. fuck.

i'm as big as you,
but why does it seem that you always must stomp when you walk?
i'm beanie phant you know,
ELEPHANT.
you are not even an elephant, stomp till so hard... idiot.
fortunately that hole on the floor is on the side of your room,
as long as she doesn't stomp over to my place,
and crack my flooring, like what she did to hers,
i'm fine.

WA LAOOOO EHHHHH, DAMN JIAN LA.
cannot take it mann. qi si wo le.

i know R is damn disappointed la,
i sadly still have the 9 average lehhs.
you hate me right,
i know.
because i can't stand you either.

an instance:

my internet wasn't working, so i've decided to shut down the computer.
i was at the screen, going to tap the Enter button to shut down my computer... Suddenly...

'NO! just RESTART THE COMPUTER. JUST RESTART.'

'i can shut down too what...'

'JUST RESTART. SAVES THE TIME. RESTART!'

'but shutting down is not a prob too wad...'

'you should just RESTART YOU KNOW!'

'heyys. i PREFER to shut down okies?! *rolls eyes*'

EHHH WHAT THE FUCK LA. laptop is mine can?!?!?! you paid for my laptop ar?! you my mother mehh!!! TMD. wa kaooo ehhh, if i'm the 100% lian, would have scolded your pa, ma and your entire family of ancestors. in hokkien, 'guan kay po'. SIAO MANNNN-.

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. WHY DO I HAVE TO FACE SUCH A BIATCH IN MY LIFE!

59days to not seeing R.
hope that she disappears in Spain or something.
Never return mann.
I have to reconsider what i said in my previous post
'i miss R as a classmate.'
i think if you were to ask me now,
'change roommate or your life?'

i'd still choose to change roommate.
facing her,
as good as being dead.

Charmaine.@8:17 PM
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Monday, October 09, 2006

i'm not satisfied with the 83.
from 95, i've dropped to an 83.
raaaaaaaa. shiat.

and R is crazily showing off to me how she has gotten an 85.
TWO marks more than me.

from 2nd in class for accounting,
i dropped to a 6th this time.
macarto said that i can do better.
i'm sure i can.

JIAYOU!!!

Charmaine.@8:52 PM
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Sunday, October 08, 2006

clear your ears, open your eyes,

FU XINYAN IS PACKING UP HER WADROBE!

hahahas* i.e. ironing, folding, packing.

i think i really need a maid in future. this is such a chore - it takes up so much time, and nothing much is done. by the way, it's 2am in the morning, and i'm doing this because housekeeping is DEFINITELY going to start their room checks again. (now that Cherie is back with her duty, going around giving people the Daffy Ducks - Please drop by Mrs. Macarto's office within 24hours.) people, for your info, i've gotten that twice. if i were to get it again within this semester, it's community work. pray hard*

***

as my msn nick spells, even the best things occur at the wrong time. if you guys are misled into thinking that it has gotta do with mr doraemon, nahh. hahas* don't think too far okies? nothing good will come up between me and him. it's either bad or worse, never the word good, what more, best. hahas* (do i sound like i'm laughing for the sake of laughing? i think i should sigh instead.)

i no longer bear the thought about going to Cornell. I don't want to adapt anymore. Even beth and amy are asking me to go for it. they know that i'm dying to go there, i really am. cornell, an ivy league school okies... it's not any other 'long kang' university. it's the best in the world for hospitality.

this sounds like a good news isn't it? but it sounds more like a bad news to my friends. My super darling (especially) and darling cow can no longer talk to me on msn... it's like 12hours difference. double of what it is now. It's a goodbye to my clique - Beth, Amy, Kelvin, my darlings and my indo clique, my not-very-nice roommate, whom i will still miss as a classmate, my council, my seniors. I will miss them truckloads. I am gonna be further away from Singapore, further away from You... we will no longer chat, eventually losing contact - what i've always wanted.

Amy cried awhile ago. Maybe i shouldn't have broke the news to her today. Saddened by the fact that she has taken the wrong step down the wrong path was bad enough, and all i did was to proliferate the pain she is going through. She lost her BF, she lost the most valuable thing in her life, and now, she's gonna lose her best butt here. I was on the verge of crying too... Because it seems like i've brought more trauma than anything else. Guilt-ridden-.

okies, no more the idea of Cornell. i'm dropping it. i will make the best out of it here. everything is going to be a-okie. =)

i can be so swift in my decision making when it comes to serious matters like this. why not when it comes to you? there is this tiny weeny lil bit of me wanting to hold on.

people, jiayou jiayou jiayou! =)=)=)

61days to Singapore!
owwwwwwwwwwww.
i miss everything and everyone there. =)

Charmaine.@8:06 AM
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Finally, all the pics are up. This is on our way to Luzern on Saturday. The very first long long long... train ride we had. hahahas* think it was like 4hours to get there. But the scenery was superb. No doubt that it was tiring, the scenery is breathtaking. Thumbs up.

Charmaine.@6:34 AM
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This were all the pics at Lugano... I added the LOCARNO train station photo because.. we took the wrong train and we ended up in Locarno before ending up at Lugano... we were THAT blur.

Ohh, the castles in Bellinzona. A total of three. we were pretty lucky.. the moment we arrived there, the Swiss army band was like playing and stuff. Think they had some event with the important people or something. so we were pretty much like care-lair-fares there. But it was nice. =)

Charmaine.@6:24 AM
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Beth and i cam whoring.. actually i think i would have cam whored a million times more than this in Singapore. this is like a thousand times less... Check out the second pic, Beth and i holding that HUGE candy floss. it was DAMN nice mann. a million times better than that in singapore. ohh, the 3rd pic.. 2 of us smiling, when we are stranded for the 2nd day.. we went mad. middle and 6th pic when we were on the castle at Bellinzona.

Ehh, this is cool man. Einstein's house. Yes we were there, and they are having an exhibition on his life and stuff there. The exhibition and it's video was damn damn cool. the portrait is him and his wife... nice...

The toy exhibition in Bern. The Einstein's house is in Bern too, but we went to the toy exhibition first. Loads of toys.. like endless. i wanted to get a teddy done.. but the queue was too long, was already in the queue to sew the teddy. Since we were in a hurry, i decided to just drop the idea about getting it done.. Moreover, i didn't know what name to give my teddy... sigh.

This was at Bern. 1st one, clock tower. then the 2nd row of pics were all on our way, in the tram (which we didn't pay a single cent, and they didn't check.. hahas*) of course, not forgetting the einstein's house and the fountain before einstein's house.. the fountain from the front and the back.. two different designs.. nice! =)

Charmaine.@5:48 AM
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Saturday, October 07, 2006

i told myself to stop talking to you since long long ago.
each time i try, each time i fail.
as you put it,
it's already more than three archives.
three archives of avoiding,
three archives of sighing,
three archives of crying.

there is only one reason that can cause you to be sad...
and if didn't guess it wrongly,
i know the reason.
how i wish your life is just happiness, happiness and more happiness.
why did you let her go when you still like her?
i told you to jiayou for a reason...

even if i'm not the one who cheers you up,
i'm contented to hear that you are happy,
really.

i know i am stupid,
i always have been...

***

if i can maintain my results,
i will say hi to Cornell. =)

that means goodbye to my friends. my council. my environment.
i cannot afford to go through another round of adaptation.
i love everything the way it is now.

we shall see to it.
maybe studies is still more important.

comments peeps?

Charmaine.@7:34 AM
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Friday, October 06, 2006

latest addition to LV collection:

Speedy 30 - Damier canvas.

Hopefully Cherie got my CD handphone accessory. =)

It's too pretty to be missed. If she doesn't get it, Amy and I are hitting Paris the moment I get my B permit.

I love Paris.
love it love it love it.
To bits and trucksloads.

***

In this uber cold weather, I'm glad that you are still there to crap with me.
Although it isn't touching at all, it still warms my heart a little.

But the thought of you, it's back to 心灰意冷。

Contradicting, isn't it?
You are a contradiction to start with.

I don't understand why,
but i fell for this contradiction.

I heard from someone that you were so eager to save the team that you ran with all your might, eventually hurting yourself. I laughed it off, yet deep down, I felt that sting... I wondered how you took it, if it really hurt. I'm not as vocal as I always am when it comes to showering TLC. I just have the pride that I cannot put down. I can only end the conversation with Take Care like how i always tell others. But I really really mean it when I tell you. I cannot be like some girls who go 24/7 I'm worried about you, blah blah blah. The max I can go is, You must take care okies?! In actual fact, I mean I'm SUPER DUPER UBER worried about you la... SIGH. As if you will know...

I'm sure you are fine, since you are alive and kicking and arguing with me practically every single time we really talk.

I love this particular song by Lara from one of the Taiwan dramas... Titled "Start from a kiss" or something like that.

"就算让我知道我永远只是单恋，我也会藏着感谢，笑着和你说再见。"

xinyan ah xinyan, why are you so emo these days? must be PMS-ing.

Super darling and darling Cow, your darling here 超没用 right?

Why am I always hovering around this grey area, wanting to forget and being unable to? Does it mean that I have to wait for the next Larger than life person to appear before you leave my life? Will this happen over and over again? I no longer have the courage, no longer have the energy, to go through this again.

I'm developing a phobia.
I'm beginning to believe that, I will become Sister Charmaine one day.

Charmaine.@5:12 AM
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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Retail therapy helps.
It's like sudden enlightenment.

I've had enough.

Maybe I should just say yes,
so everyone will be happy.

It was the case in Singapore, now it's the case in Switzerland.
Rejected the case in Singapore. If i still reject the one in Switzerland, it's going to be because of you again.

A brand new start might just have a better ending.

NOPES. stupid thought. Better stick to my nun-to-be idea.

Sister Charmaine, I shall be.

Charmaine.@6:17 AM
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UPDATES:

-i'm back, alive after 2 days not coming back to Glion. 1st day i stayed in the Bern TRAIN STATION. not in the waiting room, but with the homeless and crazy people who are out there staying in the train station. Beth and I together with a couple who came over from Britain. We sat on the ROCK through the night, fortunately we managed to stay up chatting. Really nice knowing them, Osman and Mubarka. If not for them, Beth and I would probably just die there. Problem: Stupid train in Switzerland. it is the worst train system i've ever seen in my life.
1 - they have very very very long intervals for trains.
2 - if one train is delayed, the others will continue moving. i.e. the people on that train, can't catch the scheduled trains. meaning, if it is for the last train on the schedule, the people would probably be stuck at the transiting station. WHICH, was of course, what happened to us.
3 - the schedule available on the INTERNET, on the TRAIN STATION BOARDS and their INFORMATION COUNTERS vary!

If you ever come to Switzerland, DO MAKE SURE THAT YOU MAKE TIME TO TRAVEL FROM ONE FREAKING PLACE TO THE OTHER. i.e. you should leave the place maximum, three hours you arrive. if you are planning to go to like the Italian speaking area back to the French speaking area. AHHHHHHHH. PISSED to the max mannn-.

THEN, on the second day...
We planned and made sure that we could get out of that freaking place early enough... So we took the train at 5pm. ASSUMING that 7 full hours of travelling would definitely get our ass back into Glion. Only to realise that...

THE STUPID TRAIN WAS STUCK AT EBIKON (some ulu malu place) BECAUSE LUZERN'S TRAIN STATION HAD TECHNICAL PROBLEMS. essentially, our train was supposed to arrive Luzern in time for us to take the train leaving there... So, we were stuck there for an hour or so, and decided to alight with everyone else to catch the bus. And guess what? we were made to pay for the stupid bus ride. 3.80CHF okie... four bucks plus for a damn bus ride. EX like shiat.

and the SAME train master saw us again. Obviously, he was on the verge of being shocked to death and went YOU GUYS AGAIN?! okie, we were like the ONLY TWO ASIANS on the ENTIRE train, so i can fathom why he had such a deep impression of us.

FINALLY we found our place to deposit our butts. Roxanne's place and Konolfingen. Phew. a place to shower, to eat, to sleep. awwwwwww. all thanks to her, if not for her, we'd probably make friends with the crazy at Bern's station.

Digression: Beth and I couldn't stay at a hotel because we didn't have our B permit with us (she didn't bring it, as for ME, i haven't gotten that damn permit. screwed.) and no passports, and they DIDN'T ACCEPT MY DRIVING LICENCE. whatthehell.

Back to the point. So there was it. Our two days, without coming back to Glion, i miss this place to bits. We were over at Lugano, Bellinzona and Mendrisio. LOADS of shopping. then we headed down to Thun with Roxanne today. When it comes to shopping, i'm never tired. =)=)=)

Receipt List:

- Bally bag (500CHF, now 200CHF. WORTH IT MANNNNN.)
- 2 tops, Gloves and 1 skirt from H&M (Cheap to the MAX.)
- Flowerbomb by Victor&Rolf (DAMN nice. to die for. melts. only 120CHF.)
- 2 tops from Tommy Hilfiger (It's a steal mann! But it's still a little ex...)
- 2 tops from Esprit (Cheap and Good!!! hahas* sounds so auntie..)
- Gloves and Mufflers from D&A (So PRETTY... WHITE. melts-.)
- Lipstick from Estee Lauder (For my mum...)
- Mask, Eyecream, Eyeliner, Concealer from Clinique (all time fav. plus gift bag. owwwwww.)
- Bag from Manor (It's like only 40CHF!!! It's the BEST bag to bring to lectures. SO SOFT... and if you stuff a jacket it... AWWWWW. pillow for lecture mannnnnn. Chris will love my bag for sure. hahas* gonna bring that to bugis street to put all the stuff i'm gonna buy from there. i will never ever bring my LV there again... neither am i gonna risk my gucci or bally.. SCARY.)
- Gloves and scarf from Manor (it's grey with the cute cute ball-y stuff.)

that's about all. think i didn't miss anything out i hope. New addition to my TO BUY list.

- Esprit sling bag.
- Armani heels.
- Salvatore heels... i haven't even stepped into the store. pouts-.

The Gucci and Dior stores were a disappointment though. not as fantastic as I thought... The designs were at least one to two seasons ago. Hopefully my cussie's wife can get into the private sales for Dior again. I will make sure she gets my stuff. =) Gaucho... owwwwwwwww.

How i wish i could shout this out...

I MISS YOU MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

okies, assume that i've shouted this out. Sucha coward ah fuxinyan. haiz.

The only reason why i sound so optimistic, is because i just can't seem to cry anymore. Cannot cry, then be happy lorr. Right? =)

Charmaine.@4:12 AM
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Monday, October 02, 2006

you sounded like it's the last time i'm ever going to hear from you. i have a hunch, a very strong one, that this is the last time you are going to talk to me. i have a feeling, that in future, when we talk again, if it ever happens, it's just going to be a hi. exactly how i want it to be, exactly what she currently faces, exactly how i'm going to be like her. i have totally no idea how to face you when i return to singapore. the only image in my mind, is when i see you, i will treat you as a non existent object. in reality, the only possibility when i see you, is to fake a smile and to act as if i'm jubilant about meeting your entire bunch.

i've come to realise that, i can no longer look straight into your eyes.

SIGH-.

Beth and I went to Lucerne yesterday. went around to see the mini Great wall of China. It's like 7 buildings and we only managed to see 3 of them, just way too long. Chanced upon cows, or is that an ox. hahas* but it looks like you... then we went into a souvenir shop, bought myself room slippers with the swiss cross, and the swiss knife. Beth thought for the longest of times if she should buy it for stupid telephone. Rather than me thinking, i gave her this task. If she buys it for stupid telephone, i will buy it for the stupid you. She didn't buy it, and i was whining on and on when we left the shop. ironic eh?

it was already 7pm, yet it seemed more like a freaking 9pm. and i'm uber not used to the darkness now that 7pm here in Glion is like 5pm in Singapore. finally, the impossible-ly well-known lion carving in the park. it is absolutely obscure. and it amazed me that we found it, in some way. i must honestly admit that that place gave me very bad vibes. just by entering the park scared me quite a bit. it was kinda eerie and cold. the impression that i had, all the while, was a small lil lion statue in a park, only to realise that it wasn't anywhere near what i thought it would be. it was magnificently huge, craved out on a part of the huge huge stone wall. anyways, shan't elaborate too much. it is anyhow, something gotta do with the war. scary, really.

watch this space for photo uploads.

heading to Lugano and Locarno tomorrow.

if by chance, please don't appear in my mind.

Charmaine.@3:50 AM
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